Common Sense is not Common

Coming down the ladder of inferences

We all come from different backgrounds, different experiences, we all react differently, you can be brother and sister and have lived the opposite experiences in the same household. I have experienced this first hand, my brother lived a happy childhood and I lived in hell. Abused mentally, physically and psychologically. I did have amazing memories, fun times and a loving family that taught us great values. But the good doesn’t erase the bad. Speaking up is healing and therapeutic. Downloading the data from your trauma frees up space for health and renewed energy. Highly recommend it, if you haven't done it yet. I’m from Venezuela and I have the opposite values most Venezuelans do. I don’t have plastic surgery, I’m not religious, I don’t like showing off, being loud, I don’t think family is allowed in our life just cause it’s family, if they’re toxic I limit my time around them, doesn’t matter who they are  (not judging, just stating differences). But we grew up in the same country, watching the same things, being exposed to the same culture… I don’t believe in Common Sense because of this very reason. 

When have you thought someone is stupid when they agree with you? 

Coming down from the ladder of differences means there is someone with an opposite POV, instead of trying to convince them or ridicule them because you think they are wrong and you are right, we are going to empty our cup, as in pretend like we don’t know what we know, open ourselves up for a new perspective. Ask questions to understand why the other person thinks the way they think, and respect their opinion, even if we don’t agree with them. 

This way we can have a productive conversation, we learn something new, we can understand where they come from, they understand where we come from and we can agree to disagree and be respectful. 

If you look at the graphic bellow this is how our brain works:

• We tend to observe the data available, selecting automatically facts that are relevant and we ignore other ones based on our beliefs.

• We interpret what people say and do based in unconscious assumptions 

• We make conclusions based in our interpretation of the facts 

• We adopt a belief based in the conclusions 

• And we act based in our beliefs

The conscious way would be:

• Being conscious that you don’t have the absolute truth, it depends on your mental model. You can only say for a fact what you see, think, feel and want and the impact of others actions on you. You don’t know what the other person sees, thinks, wants, or what your actions are in them

• Be curious about the other person's experience and thought process, go up his ladder ask for examples to see his interpretations

• Share your experience and thought process, assumptions and generalizations 

• Explain your mental model that leads you from observing to acting, give examples

• Make open questions giving opportunity to challenge and disagree with you

This will free you from being a jerk and open you up to new data, new ways to relate to people and a weight off your shoulders to try to prove you’re right and tight your self-esteem to it. It’s not a sustainable way of being confident and conscious.